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Sunday, February 24, 2008

Running on Empty

Today is the fourth day. It has been four days since we found out we were having a miscarriage. I have gone through a wide variety of emotions and responses and I am going to share many of them here, right now everything is a little raw and still in need of sorting.

Basically, we have four beautiful daughters ages: 8, 5, 3 and 1. We just lost our fourth during the sixth weeks of pregnancy. We will probably not be able to see the tiny body as it passes and we won't be able to find out "why" this happened. What we do know is that we are blessed with several really good friends and we thank all of you. We are blest with a wonderful family. I will post a picture of my wife with her birthday present from us (her birthday was yesterday) as I think it is a tender mercy for her and I.

Our children have taken it well but also taken the loss of this sibling hard. I have a picture of what we have decided is their little sister and not a brother, drawn by my Eight year old. I feel as if I am being crucified, why does this have to happen to me, I am doing what I am supposed to. It is the basic question of why bad things happen to good people (though I will admit readily that I am far from perfect) and I have heard an answer. My hear has not been completely broken yet, it must be broken further and replaced with a new heart of flesh built for love.

Christ didn't say, "Ok, that's enough scourging, time to stop!" during His passion, death and ressurection. This is a passion for me and I will not yell for it to stop, but it will be a temptation. So many things to say.

Oh, we did pick a name out, Marjorie Guadalupe. Marjorie is the name of my grandmother that died from breast cancer 16, almost 17 years ago, it is her that my daughter will be hanging out for eternity while waiting for me to finish up with my just punishements. Our Lady of Guadalupe is the patroness of the unborn and since our child will always be part of the unborn it fits well. Ironically, Marjorie was conceived around the past anniversary of Roe V. Wade (The NFP chart doesn't lie). May she always be our little prayer warrior in heaven and I look forward to that day that I can meet her face to face. Right now I am crying, thinking of missed opportunities and many other things I have had to cry threw. I will put some of this up here to share, it is part of who I am.

Under the Mercy,
Matthew S


Stina said...

Marjorie Guadalupe is a beautiful name. I am so sorry for your loss. I am coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my miscarriage, also at about 6 weeks. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

My wife had three miscarriages in three years. It was the most difficult and gut wrenching thing I have ever had to experience in my life. The constant roller coaster of being pregnant. The cautious optimism. Allowing yourself to be hopeful. The spotting. The prayer. The denial. The belief that everything is okay. Then, the reality.

My wife first had a run of the mill (if there is ever such a thing) miscarriage.

This was followed by an ectopic/tubal pregnancy in which her tube ruptured and she lost 20% of her blood into the abdomen - along with the tube.

The last one was another ectopic in the OTHER, viable tube. The Dr performed a miraculous surgery and saved the tube.

Now, my wife is twenty six weeks pregnant. Everything is fine and we feel so incredibly blessed. This will be our first child after so many years of hope and despair.

I will be thinking of you guys, I know how hard it can be. The best thing you can do is be available to your wife 24/7. At times, my being her support was all that got me through from day to day.

With prayers,

Elena said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did pick a lovely name for her.

patjrsmom said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My brother and sister in law lost their first child to a very late miscarriage, and it was a devastating loss not only for them, but for the rest of the family at large. OLOG is a wonderful patroness to dedicate Marjorie Guadalupe to and to offer comfort under her mantle to you all.

St. Marjorie, Pray for Us!

God Bless,

Rich said...

Peace my friend. We had a miscarriage after our 7th child (now have 9). My only regret is that I didn't see how much anguish my wife experienced. I guess I was so busy with the others and work. So I always tell men who are going through this to make sure they are there for their wives. Not to say anything special but just to be with her. God Bless you all.